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Check it out, you thought I’d be gone for another month, but oh no, here I am, back like a bad rash that just won’t stop appearing every time you touch your hamster, so you sold the hamster, unaware that it was in fact the cotton wool in the cage that you were allergic to, and then when christmas rolled round and you agreed to play Santa in the local production of ‘Fiddler on the Roof’, the cotton wool beard caused you to flip out and eat an entire violin. Those were the days.

Anyway, here’s some stuff that I sort of spoke about a bit in EPISOOODE 13! (spooky)…

Firstly, snowmen can be spooky – see?

Secondly, the man who wrote the song “IF I WERE A GREAT WHITE, I WOULDN’T BITE YOU”

smileyousonofa

If I were a great white, I probably would bite you, because I’ve seen the film Jaws…if I don’t bite you, you’ll shoot me in the mouth, and I don’t want that. You can also check out his website here

Next up, here’s a guy hurting his face…

Powerriser Fail – Watch more Funny Videos

Who’d have thought that strapping springs to your legs was a bad idea? Someone once told me to also avoid Lego in your eye so bear that in mind. Sharks in your bath is another one to bear in mind. Also, avoid putting bears in your mind.

Of all the things you should avoid though, trying to jump on a trolley whilst it’s rolling backwards is a big no no…I learnt that the hard way

Yes, that is in fact a video of me, in my youth, dressed like an idiot and hurting my face for the first of many times in my life. Since then I have a minor fear of trolleys. It’s not all that bad, but I did punch an inflight attendant in the face once for offering me peanuts. Then again, she was calling me a ‘bum-face’ so she kind of had it coming.

And lastly, Orangina spent their advertising budget on special cake…

If I was a lizard and I had acne I’d wear a dinosaur mask and pretend I was a tiny dinosaur…probably wouldn’t put Orangina on my face, but that’s just me. Personally, I find dinosaur masks much more effective than most cosmetic products anyway. Especially this one.

Right, that’s about it then. I’m going to go now and gets me some special cake. I hear if you eat enough of it and then play Pink Floyd backwards over the top of Aladdin, Bambi’s mum doesn’t die.

p.s. This is the facebook group for project bring the bear home….but the bear is already home. Onwards with the anti-facism campaign. Vive le resistance!